My mom is hilarious. She is one of the funniest people I know because she rarely holds back what she’s thinking. I love her for that. Sometimes, what other people say can have such an impact on you that you don’t realize how much you value their opinion and perspective of you. I was talking to my mom about my career plans, something I rarely do. I know my mom loves me. I know she cares about me and wants the best for me. But I also know there are things about me that she doesn’t know. I know she doesn’t really know me.
I told my mom I’m thinking about getting a part time job, something I can do on weekends and at night until I quit my full time job. Something I can transition into if needed, once I do quit. She wanted to know why I was planning to quit my job and what I would do after that. I informed her of my plans to move to California, Los Angeles to be specific, to act and get into modeling. She told me I should consider moving some else, maybe Arkansas. Somewhere where the competition isn’t high. She stated that I would really shine somewhere like Arkansas where there aren’t many people like me and I could stand out. She asked how I planned to transition. I let her know that I’m working on videos and getting my social media following up so that I can grow my YouTube channel and start being paid from it. She suggested that I use my niece for the videos instead. Since she’s really the star of the family. I took it all in. I didn’t react or say anything in my defense. I just let her talk. I listened. She went on about how smart I am. How I should use my degrees and really network in healthcare because I’ve spent so much time in school for it. I listened. I couldn’t get mad. I couldn’t cry. I just listened. I realized in that moment that she had never seen me. She didn’t really know me. She has never really known me. She my mother. She gave birth to me and took care of me. But had she looked into my eyes and asked me who I am. Asked me what I like to do? Has she seen me in healthcare? Has she seen me acting or modeling? Has she seen me, at all? The conversation moved on and eventually the call ended. I wasn’t hurt I wasn’t surprised. I knew that the reason I hadn’t had this conversation with her is because she wouldn’t understand. It wasn’t her dream, her gift, her talents. They’re mine. All mine! I have to dream. I have to live. I have to be. . . And so I will. I will show myself that I am a star. That I can do whatever it is I put my heart to. I have to show myself that no matter what I see me and I know me. I have to . . .I have to because apart of me believed she was right. Apart of me starting thinking, maybe this is a sign. Maybe this is God sending me notice that I should probably stay right where I am. That the feelings I have regarding my dreams are for someone else. I wouldn’t have come this far to switch gears, to change every thing up. I thought, she’s my mother, she knows me better than I know me. She say me before I I saw me. She feed me before I feed me. Maybe she’s right. Maybe i’m chasing a dead end. I should just stick to my day job or find a way to move to Arkansas. Maybe I’m just lost right now. Maybe, I don’t know God. Maybe I don’t know me. . . But I smiled, I listened and I believed anyway. Of course part of me wanted to tell her all about her belief system and her inability to see me and believe in me. But sometimes it is just better to show people who you are instead of trying to constantly reintroduce yourself. I know she loves me, I know she wants good for me. But she isn’t me. She doesn’t have my life in her hand. She can’t see my future and I don’t fault her for that. I love her. I cherish her. But I am not her. So I will take what she said with love and take this as a lesson to close my ears to much of the feedback and criticism people give when they think they’re encouraging you. Just gotta take it and move on. . .
I used to think that your family had some special key to your heart. A key that could be used to unlock the real you no matter what it is you’re doing and going through. I realized that the same key can be used whenever you’re not ready. Whenever there is something the person with the key wants that you have. The person who has the key can come in and out whenever they please without warning or notice and sometimes without care as to how their presence effects you. I realized that sometimes you have to take the key back, not because they’re not welcomed. But because you have to know when you’re available for company. No matter who it is. When you hold the key to who you are and what you do, no one can ever change it. No one can come in and alter what is happening, because everything is filtered through you. The downfall is you don’t allow magical and unexpected things to happen. That is why you have to give that key to God. You gave it to him, not anyone else, so he will always protect you with it. He wouldn’t use it against you. He’s holds it and keeps it until he is ready to share who you are with the world. . .