What keeps me up at night . . .

There is a crack in everything. That is how light gets in.

-Leonard Cohen

Black and White

Things I’ll never share. Things I’ll never forget.

I woke up out of my sleep in the middle of the night last night. I don’t know what sparked my eyes to wake up, but I was up. I didn’t know what time it was. It was quiet outside. I didn’t hear cars moving around, so I knew it was the middle of the night. I turned over and tried sleeping, but I couldn’t. I was slightly hungry and my mind was racing. What was keeping me up?  I sat up and tried to quiet my mind. Deep breathing you know. But I couldn’t sleep. So I opened my laptop. I kind of sleep with my laptop. I mean it’s always in the bed with me because I’m usually working on it before bed. So I pulled up my notepad and started writing. I titled it, ‘things that I would never share’ and I started writing. I wrote and cried and wrote a little more.

Eventually I looked up and noticed it was 3:30am. I don’t know how long I had been up writing, but I kept writing. I separated things into situations and moments that I had tried forgetting. But the reality is, I could never forget. Those things were buried so deep, that it was inevitably the foundation of who I’ve become. When we hid things, we subconsciously create ways to hide things we don’t want to remember and never want others to know. We try masking them and lying to ourselves. We create behaviors and lies and identities so that we don’t have to remember what happened. We don’t want to be who we were. We don’t want to be who we would be if we admitted that those things had happened and that’s what has made us who we are.

So there I was, sitting up, writing about things I had tried to forget. Breathing deep, releasing what I had held in. For the first time, I was sitting there being completely honest and gentle with myself. Accepting what had happened and not allowing it to be who I am. I wrote what happened, not how I felt. Not what it made me think, I just wrote what I remembered, I wrote what happened. I cried and eventually I was done with what I could let put out. I was tired.

I don’t know what time it was when I finally went to sleep, but I had let out whatever was keeping me up that night. It felt good being honest. I was holding all of these memories in and didn’t realize that they were subconsciously haunting me. I changed the title from ‘things I’ll never share,’ to ‘things I’ll never forget.’ Because for the first time ever, I was no longer hiding from me.

-& for the first time I was okay with it all. I slept peacefully and woke up feeling lite and free.

I felt like I had finally cracked and the light was now seeping in. . .

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7 thoughts on “What keeps me up at night . . .

  1. Okay so this post almost made me cry (it’s that time of the month lol) because I experience nights like this on occasion. Not even just nights but moments when I’m alone. I internalize a lot of my emotions and thoughts out of not wanting to make myself vulnerable. I’m working on this.

    So when it gets too much I know it’s time to write and I ALWAYS feel so much better and light after I pour it all out. For instance, during my recent break up I’d like write letters to him, that he will never see, but it felt like he did just because of how much better I felt after getting things off my chest.

    I could literally ramble on and on about how much this resonated with me but I won’t. This time. Lol.

    Thanks for having the courage to share your experiences Queen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So glad I’m not the only one! I loooooovvvvveeee that others find relief & joy in writing. It kind of connects us all while also freeing ourselves. Glad you’re working through getting to know & understand yourself and your emotions better! 💖

      Liked by 1 person

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