When I was a little girl (how all fairy tales begin) I dreamt of having my own life. I know that sounds crazy, but I’ve always felt so attached to other people’s lives. I wanted to be able to have and influence my own. That might sound a little crazy, but I was the kid who cared too much, did too much, gave too much. As much as I loved being that person, it came a time when I wanted to be able to live the life I had always imagined in my head. A ‘perfect life’ in a ‘Kardashian world,’ is what my mom told me I wanted, lol. In the 5th grade, my mom told me I couldn’t have a birthday party, so I made and sent out my own invitations for my own party, that my mom knew nothing about. Honestly, that was pretty bold and brave of me. Lol. My mom should be proud, she wasn’t! Lol. That was me.
I knew there would be a day when I would make my own decisions.
Have my own story. Mainly because I’ve always had a ‘different’ outlet on life than others around me. I didn’t take ‘no’ for an answer and I had a million questions, mainly Why?! I wanted (or needed) a reason for everything happening in the world. Not just bad things, everything. Miracles. Happiness. Pain. Love.
Growing up, I would just take a notebook and use it to write my thoughts and poems in. I didn’t call them journals or diaries at the time but they most certainly were. I wrote about life and my own understanding of it. I remember I was mainly angry but more hopeful. I’m sure there were a few happy moments, but I started writing because I was in pain. I was hurting. Writing brought me peace, happiness.
Writing allowed me to be honest-with myself. I would write and just pour out whatever I was feeling. I sat for hours just thinking, writing, sometimes crying, or laughing. Most of the time I was silent. My mouth didn’t move, but I had so much to say. My spirit was in charge. I didn’t realize that my little self had such a big soul.
As an adult, I’ve done the same thing. There are things that I feel that are unspeakable. Some things that I don’t share with anyone. And then there are things that I just want to leave at the footsteps of the world. After a while, I started realizing that I actually have more to say and do that goes beyond my own understanding. Things I feel, think, and see that only I can experience and share. I started to realize that I really do have my own show. I really do have my own story and outlet here. I guess I blog because I have to. Initially I was extremely nervous and I certainly didn’t want to be vulnerable and express my feelings for anyone with internet to see. I’m not ‘shy,’ I’m just a bit private. I like to mind my own business while you mind yours. But, this isn’t just ‘ my business’ any more and I don’t have to dream of it anymore. I can just do it. I can just blog. Whenever and however I like. Saying whatever I want. With anybody, or everybody. It’s therapeutic.
I’ve learned to enjoy the uncertainty that is life while also embracing the creative that is me.
That’s why I blog.
Because I’m just a girl lost in the world trying to create her own.