I am and probably will always be a family oriented person. My family means so much to me. Growing up, I was the care giver. Or at least I thought I was. Lol. I was the middle child and wanted to always be there to protect my older sister and younger brother. I was the normal child. I think I always wanted to find a way out for my family. I grew up looking out the window, out towards the sky with the biggest hope and dream any little person had ever seen. I would talk about the houses and cars we would have and would be the one to bring it all back home. When I went to college, I thought I would graduate and run some major corporation that would afford me the opportunity to take my family on vacations and dinners to restaurants we didn’t know existed. I wanted to do that for my family. As I grew closer to that goal, I realized how obtainable it really is. That’s my way of looking at it. I believe it is possible, but I don’t think I knew all that would go into a life that was committed to taking care of several other people who have their own lives, hopes, dreams, and desires. I realized that the dream was my. The vision of the home, cars, and vacations were all my own. Everybody didn’t share the goal so we all don’t share the work, drive, and motivation to get it done. So sometimes, I feel like I’m going at it alone. I start thinking I’m the only person with a vision or plan. In the midst of frustration I had to laugh at myself. Who told me to take care of my family? It is a desire I have, but it isn’t something I can do until I fulfill my own dreams and take care of myself. The dreams I have for me still exist, outside and inside of the bigger ones I have for those around me. My mom would tell me that I needed to worry about myself. I would remind her that I have to make sure my family is okay. It is something that I have always done and still plan to do. But she reminds me that my life is still my own. I started to see that my immediate personal goals were interfering with my long term family goals. So I have to choose.
I can’t help anyone if I don’t help myself. I see now that my long term family goals can only come into fruition once my own desires are fulfilled. I wanted to stay close to home to make sure everything was okay, but I am just me. I am just a person. I am a human being with hope and desires and dreams and goals who wants to see, be, love and experience the world.
I finally realized that I’ve made my own crutch. Instead of living my life with my family at the center of my heart doing what I want to do, I’ve kept myself in a shelter, hoping nothing goes wrong if I stay close to home.
But life can’t be controlled. . . So, go with the flow. Pray. Trust. Live. That might be the best way for you to take care of home. Life has been created for all of us. And sometimes we make it harder on ourselves, by trying to control the chaos that is life.